If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
