Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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