News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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