Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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