If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
