I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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