Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
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We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
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He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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