PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
