Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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