He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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