My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
How external is "for external use only"?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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