Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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