babies were throwing up all over the place
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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