my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It was confusing and full of hummus
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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