I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
