Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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