Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
