Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
