I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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