I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
