To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
