explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Girls should come with a carfax report
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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