my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
