if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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