I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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