I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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