I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
