im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
