i need an iv and a liver transplant
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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