i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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