the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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