Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
