I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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