Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
