Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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