Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
