I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
