You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
