dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
