I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize