I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
