Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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