whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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