i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Im part way to drunk.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
