Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
