Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
