Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
tell me about the fingering
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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