Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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