The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
