there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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