About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
