It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
