In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
