i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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