watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
