Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
