No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize