I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
