I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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